Lifetime Television for Women

As the name of the channel indicates, women love television for women.  There is something familiar and comforting about seeing women who are just like us being: sexually harassed, beaten by their policeman husbands, raped, stalked, killed, unwilling to eat, having their children kidnapped, trapped by a snowstorm in a house with a serial killer and/or played by Meredith Baxter-Birney.  There really is a dearth of entertainment out there that focuses on women being victimized and Lifetime steps in to fill that void. 

Children of Mixed Ethnicity...

Women love almost any child, however we especially love children of mixed race.  It doesn’t matter what race or what mix they are- we are suckers for kids with kaleidoscope DNA.  There is just something about curly ringlets, slightly almond-shaped eyes and latte-colored skin that sets our biological clock alarm off.  For white guys with white girlfriends, it is best to avoid children of mixed ethnicity.  They remind your girlfriend that if she chooses to breed with you, her children won’t be very interesting.

Weight Loss Stories...

There is nothing better than fat people turning into thin people.  For fat women, stories about other people losing weight are inspiring and motivating.  They help them imagine what life could be like if 2 Oreos were enough without requiring them to actually do anything about it.  For thin women, these stories boost self-confidence and serve to keep them in check so that 2 Oreos are always enough.

Purple, The Color...

From the time we are children, this color inspires joy in girls and women alike.  We love the way it looks on just about anything- oven mits, aprons, Volkswagen Jettas.  We also love the way it tastes- grape bubble gum, grape jolly ranchers, grape popsicles, grape flavored lube.  Purple is historically the color of royalty as well- which is great because we love status and princess dresses.  When in doubt, just buy your lady something purple and nine times out of ten, you’re good as gold.

The Color Purple...

This is a great movie we all love- but not just because it’s about women struggling to overcome sexism and racism.  It’s also about how Oprah looks so awful without makeup. This gives all of us hope that with a hair and make-up department, anything is possible.

 

Money- Ours and Mine

These are the two types of money in the world- Ours and Mine.*

Ours: The institution of marriage is beautiful, but it’s also practical which is why it’s so great!  Hallmark says marriage is about the joining of two souls; your soul finds the one soul on earth that fits perfectly and then you put them together and it’s like one BIG soul.  History says marriage is about the joining of two checking accounts; when my money finds your money and we put them together, we’ve got a lot of OUR money.  So essentially, marriage is practically beautiful.

Mine: I want to have my own money.  This is important to me because I want to have control of my own financial destiny.  Also, this is an amazing bargaining chip for me to hold over your head in heated arguments about OUR finances.  Things MY money can buy are:

- things I don’t want you to know I’ve bought

- things you don’t want, but I need

- things I buy for your own good

- QVC

For everything else, there’s MasterCard/OUR money…

*”YOUR” money used to exist in, like, 1895.  But once Susan B. Anthony got her own coin, “Your” money was officially re-minted as “Our” money.